A Tale of Two Fandoms
by Shadowlight
Summary: All together now: Joren of Stone Mountain, the Amazing Bouncing Ferret! Rated high for slash refs coz I just can't put Harry and Ron in the same room without slashing them (predictable I know). This was my vewwy first ever fic! Be nice to it...*sparkles*


WINDOWS\DESKTOP\My Briefcase\abf Summary: All together now: Joren of Stone Mountain, the Amazing Bouncing Ferret.   
Disclaimer: Anyone in a dress belongs to J. K. Rowling, anyone wearing tights belongs to Tamora Pierce. Except Colin Creevey's alter ego. I invented him, if that's anything to be proud of.   
Rating: PG, despite what Harry might think.   
Explanatory note: Hermione has donated a TV and video machine to the Gryffindor common room. Someone else has donated a stereo. This is how Ron knows such things as the Star Wars theme and old Beatles songs. Just so you know. 

~ VOICEOVER ~

Scene: The Gryffindor common room. Six fine specimens of Hogwarts youth are lined up on the couch.   


ALL: *sparkle*

The lights dim, the curtains across one wall part, revealing a large screen, on which the following words appear…   


RON: *hums Star Wars theme*

Hermione, curled up on the couch with _Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century_ and a box of Cockroach Clusters,   


HERMIONE: Cockroach clusters?!?

as I said, Cockroach Clusters, watched Harry and Ron rush into the Gryffindor common room, hair flying prettily behind them. Hermione mused for a moment about how much nicer red hair was than black, then slapped herself on the wrist. _No! He's with Harry - this fic has to have _some_ slash in it!_   


HERMIONE (to AUTHOR): Do you have it in for me or something?   
RON *Hermione's wrist* Aaah! Don't hit me, please don't hit me!

The boys stopped to exchange identical adolescent grins of triumph.   


HARRY: *hands RON a grin* Happy anniversary, darling.   
RON: Wow! That's exactly what I got you!

"Guess what we've got, guess what we've got!" they yelled.   


RON: Early Christmas presents?   
HARRY: Extra Potions homework?   
DEAN: Matching 'I Love Voldemort' boxer shorts?   
NEVILLE: Chocolate eclairs?   
SEAMUS: Herpes?   
HERMIONE (to AUTHOR): Don't look at me. If you're going to victimise me, I'm not going to take part in your little games.

"Oh, I don't know. You've only been talking about it for the past week -   


DEAN: Month!   
SEAMUS: Year!   
NEVILLE: Century!   
HARRY and RON: Yes, ha ha, very funny.

"Your Apparating Licences?"   
*nod nod nod nod*   
"Yeahhh!"   
"Yeah baby!" - Ron recently having been introduced to Muggle movies.   


HARRY: Ron, this is Muggle movies. Muggle movies, Ron. *shake shake shake*

"When are you getting yours, Hermione?"   
"Oh, I've had it for ages. You can apply a year early if you take a special Defensive Driving Against the Dark Arts course."   
"?!"   
"!?"   
Identical looks of surprise flit across the boys' faces.   


HARRY and RON: *sing* We flit, we float, we flitter flutter fly-y…

Hermione smirks.   
"Were we supposed to know that?" Thus Harry, indignant.   
"Well, it _is_ in - "   
"Lemme guess. _Hogwarts: A History._" Thus Ron, resigned.   


HARRY: No, _thus_ Ron resigned. With a letter. By owl post. Like normal people.   
RON: Didn't even know I had a job. Sweet!

"I was going to say the Hogwarts prospectus. But it might be in Part IV, Wizardly Education in the Modern Age…I'll check the index - "   
"NO!!!"   


HERMIONE: I knew it! She does have it in for me! *crosses arms and scowls*

"Well, are we going out to celebrate?"   


DEAN and SEAMUS: And how come we don't get to come, eh?   
NEVILLE: Yeah! Don't you like us?   
HARRY and RON: Hey! Don't blame us, blame her! *point to Author*   
AUTHOR: *smirks*

"But Hermione, it's only eleven weeks till exams! Don't you have to study?"   
"And it's not a leave weekend! We'd be _breaking rules!_"   


HARRY and RON: *giggle*   
HERMIONE: *scowls*

Hermione sighed.   


RON: *sings* Don't sigh for me, Argentina…

"Need I remind you that Advanced Charms includes Curses? Professor Flitwick has _quite_ an extensive repertoire…"   


DEAN: Oh, quaite.   
NEVILLE: I say, old thing!   
SEAMUS: Jolly hockey sticks!   
RON: Hey, is that true? About Advanced Charms?   
ALL: *look at AUTHOR*   
AUTHOR: *smirks*

* * * * * * *

Night had fallen.   


RON: *night* Ow!

Three dark figures crept through the grounds, wrapped in robes of deepest black.   


HARRY: Well, they were until I had that accident with the Whiter Whites Laundry   
Potion…

"Well, where shall we go?"   
"How's Paris sound?"   


RON: Like this: Par-Is.   
ALL: *sing* I love Paris in the spring-TIME…

"Too far. I'm not licensed for long distances yet."   
"London?"   
"Muggles, remember?"   


RON: *dialogue* CLUNK!

"Hogsmeade it is, then."   
"Right!"   


DEAN: Left!   
SEAMUS: Centre!   
HARRY: Liberal Democrats!

"Everybody - on three."   


HARRY: *jumps on RON*   
RON: *Three* Ow!

With an almost orchestral flourish of their wands, they were off.   


HERMIONE: How many times do I have to say it, you can't Dis-   
ALL: *fall on HERMIONE with cushions*

Having slipped through the gates moments before, they were no longer in Hogwarts grounds, and therefore able to Disapparate. They rematerialised in front of a large stone castle.   
"Hey! We're still here!"   


RON: Are you? Better check. *counts fingers and toes*

Their first clue that All Was Not As It Seemed came when a boy trotted past. Wearing tights.   


HARRY: *sings* We're men, we're men in tights…   
ALL: TIGHT tights!

[Well, if you must know, their first clue came when they noticed it was still daylight, but that doesn't lend itself to MST-ing.]   


RON: Yes it does!   
HARRY: Look! It's daytime! And grass is green! Oh, and wow! The sky's blue!

Harry and Hermione cringed. Ron, to whom Muggle fashion, and Muggle life in general, was an eternally unfathomable mystery -   


RON: Nope, fathomed it last week. An even fifty feet.

looked nonplussed. Harry muttered in a choked voice   


DEAN: Is that even possible? A choked mutter?

"_That_ is why God invented jeans - "   
"Or please, oh _please_ a longer shirt…" Hermione hid her face in her hands.   


HARRY: Oh, but I'm not averse to tights in certain situations…Want a pair for Christmas, Ron?   
ALL: *roll eyes*

Looking round, they noticed a door in the wall of the castle.   


RON: Hey Harry, you're looking a little round today. Did you overeat?   
HARRY: *sneers*

Do they: 1) decide to go in? Turn to paragraph B 

or 2) stay where they are and Apparate home? Turn to paragraph A

A You're too sensible for your own good. What are you doing reading fanfic? Besides, the Author needs them to go in for a plot device and THEY HAVE NO FREE WILL!!! Ha ha ha ha ha! *cackles evilly* 

RON: Do so! *thumbs nose at AUTHOR*   
AUTHOR: No you don't. I made you do that.   
RON: Did not!   
AUTHOR: Did too! And I can make you do this as well! *fades out, still cackling evilly*   
RON *gets up and does the chicken dance until shouted down*

B Yes, I know they could just have Apparated home, but see above. Besides, GOF didn't get to be six hundred pages long through people always doing the sensible thing, did it now? 

The door opened onto a flagged passage -   


DEAN: Look! There's England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales…   
SEAMUS: Inside, outside, puppy-dogs' tails!   
AUTHOR *fade in* Flag_stones_, idiots!   
ALL: We know! *shine*

which the three followed. Hermione lagged behind, deep in thought -   


HARRY: *HERMIONE* Help! I can't swim! I'm drowning!

until she grasped the situation.   


RON: *situation* Oh! That tickles!   
AUTHOR: Can't I go even one sentence without you lot interrupting me?   
RON: Well, you're the one who wanted it MST-ed. *bats eyelashes at AUTHOR*

"You know, I think we may have strayed into - "   


HARRY: The dungeon?   
RON: The fifth dimension?   
NEVILLE: Filch's office?   
DEAN: The Forbidden Forest?   
SEAMUS: Snape's bedroom?   
ALL: *shudder*

"another fandom."   


ALL: Oh.   
HARRY: Really! What gave you the clue?   
RON: *sings* Is this the real life, is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality. Open your eyes, look up to the skies and SEE - *gestures dramatically*   
ALL: *fall on RON with cushions*   
HERMIONE: Leaving aside for now the question of how they know they're in a fic in the first place…   
AUTHOR: *snorts and mutters something about pots and kettles*

After a moment, Harry said: "You know, we can see them, but can they see us?" Just then, another boy in tights turned a corner, came face to face with them and goggled, answering Harry's question for him.   


ALL: *page* Yes! You're right there in front of me!

"Ron, did your dad ever teach you that forgetfulness spell the Ministry uses?"   
"Yeah…just a moment…"   
"Ow! Ow! Ow!"   
Harry's sleeve caught fire as Ron's wand spurted flame. Hermione beat the flames out.   
"Hm. So magic manifests as fire here. I suppose they just have to wear non-flammable clothing."   
Ron said with false nonchalance, "Well, look on the bright side, it worked!" Harry just glared. And, true to Ron's word, the little page was wandering off without a care in the world.   


SEAMUS: *page* Please, good sir, I haven't a care left to my name!   
RON: Will sing and dance for cares.   
DEAN: Gimme that book, Hermione - I didn't know pages had legs.   
AUTHOR: Ha ha, very funny, you know what I meant.   
DEAN: *sparkles*

The wizards turned a corner and came upon a knot of boys.   


DEAN: Ow! Can't - untangle - legs -   
HARRY and RON: Been there, done that. *leer*   
ALL: *roll eyes*

A pretty, pale blond boy and two larger huskier specimens -   


SEAMUS: Jars labelled H. Crabbius and H. Goylius, maybe? *raises eyebrows*

have a smaller page -   


HARRY: Ooh! And I thought this was only PG!   
ALL: *roll eyes*

_doing star-jumps_, as I was saying.   


DEAN: Move those legs!   
SEAMUS: And a One! And a Two! Aaaaand…stretch!   
HERMIONE: How come we haven't been noticed yet?

Harry, Ron and Hermione went unnoticed because Harry had prudently got out his Invisibility Cloak and draped it over the three of them.   
"You know, that voice is awfully familiar…"   
"And that haircut…"   
Before Harry and Ron could finish the thought, a tall girl marched in, wearing a stormy expression.   


DEAN: And in the weather forecast tonight the meteorology office predicts rain and wind across people's faces, with thunder and lightning in some areas and snow in northerly regions.   
RON: *whistles _Land of Hope and Glory_*   
ALL: *look at RON*   
RON: It's a march, all right?

Hands on hips, she announced: "Joren of Stone Mountain! I should have known!"   
The three wizards exclaimed: "Draco Malfoy! We should have known!"   


HARRY: _We_ knew! *looks smug*   
RON: Yeah, didn't see that one coming at all! *directs a meaning look at the author*   
AUTHOR: Well, it seemed like a good plot bunny at the time…   
HARRY: *plot bunny* *shine*   
RON: *pats bunny on head* Good bunny! Good bunny!

The small page stopped his aerobics and looks up at the girl, eyes shining.   


DEAN: *eyes* *twinkle twinkle*

"Hey! You're Keladry of Mindelan! The famous girl page! My sisters talk about you all the time. Can I have your autograph? Can I sit with you at dinner? Can - "   
The three wizards -   


HERMIONE (to AUTHOR): You keep saying that. The three wizards. Sounds like a pop band. Or the Three Stooges.   
AUTHOR: *shrugs*

All right, _Ron, Harry and Hermione_ exchanged glances. Harry grimaced. "Well, at least he can't see us." He pulled the Invisibility Cloak tighter.   


HARRY: Or know who you are, nitwit - different fandom, remember?

An idea began to form in Harry's mind.   


RON: *idea* Ouch! No…room. Harry's…mind…too…small. Must…get…out…   
HARRY: *clouts RON*   
*A wrestling match ensues as the AUTHOR realises she hasn't put much slash in yet.*   
ALL: *roll eyes*

"Ron? Did you ever work out how to do the bouncing ferret spell?"   
"No…"   
Suddenly-   


RON: *sings* Suddenly…I'm not half the man I used to be. There's a shadow hanging -   
ALL: *fall on Ron with cushions*

they became aware that Hermione was humming softly to herself. They looked at her, eyes filled with wild surmise.   


HARRY and RON: *clutch their heads* Help! We can't see! Get the anti-wild-surmise eyedrops, quick!

"Do you…"   
"I asked Professor McGonagall to show me." The barest trace of smugness could be detected in Hermione's voice.   


SEAMUS: Smug-o-meter readings are off the charts!   
DEAN: *smug-o-meter* BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Hermione reached for her wand, pointed it, and -   


RON: The wand explodes?   
HARRY: The wand turns into a rubber chicken?   
DEAN:_ Hermione_ turns into a rubber chicken?   
SEAMUS: She Disapparates?   
NEVILLE: Nothing happens?

**THE END**

ALL: Oh.   
ALL: Oi! *turn and glare at AUTHOR*   
AUTHOR: My fic, not yours! *fades out hurriedly*   
RON: D'you think? *looks speculative*   
HARRY: If we asked Professor McGonagall?   
RON: Hermione could say it was for a research project. Hogwarts: A History, volume V: Recent Events…

_Exeunt omnes, to the staffroom._   



End file.
